Zagreb: Final, Personal, Reflections

I am sitting on a plane looking out the window and watching Croatia and the Western Balkans disappearing behind me. And once again, I’m listening to Brandon Flowers cracking album. As I said in the first blog, there is always a CD that defines a holiday. When I heard ‘Crossfire’ in the middle of the Kapitol shopping centre, I knew my prediction had been right. It’s not just me that enjoys reflective (? Miserable?!) music.

I have had an interesting few days and it has shown me that I am able to travel alone and without work; I have to admit dinner is pretty lonely as a single traveller and I have done an awful lot of reading at the table and in cafes. That said, I am largely happy with my own company and at times being alone is good; when I got a little lost trying to get up the mountain and had to wait 50 minutes for a bus as the lift was closed, I can imagine Bro not enjoying this very much!! But sitting in the Sunday sun with a nice glass of Croatian Pinot, I did want someone to share how good this wine was with. But I also realise, we don’t just travel to ‘find ourselves’ but we also travel to show to others who we are; travelling to new, unusual places says something about me and I should not stop doing this as it would stop me being me.

I asked a number of questions on the way out. I asked what I would find in the city: divisions in identity and new insights into European culture? The city is certainly not neurotic and far from being of multiple cultures but you can see it collectively, adapting at once acknowledging its past and wrestling with where it is heading, politically, socially and culturally.

Personally? Well, I am once again reminded how much I like travelling (I think Sarajevo is now on the list) but also how much I want to stay in a place and discover what is really like. I enjoy being ‘imbedded’ as I was in Grenoble. I did wonder if I wanted to return to France but increasingly I think I want to go somewhere new; my trips to Prague, Tallinn and, now, Zagreb make me very interested in the ‘Eastern European’ culture. If I could find a contract helping develop research in an Eastern European (or Western Balkan) city then I would be interested. A bit of a gamble, I know, but the risk of what it would do for my career development compared to what it might do for my personal development is a bet I am prepared to place.
So a mixed personal journey allowing me time to reflect on my career and desire for someone to explore this world with as well as time to see how a country and its capital city adapts to Europe and retains its proud national identity.

Or as some lyrics from ‘Jilted Hearts and Broken Hearts’ on the ‘holiday album’ (quoted more narrowly on my way to Zagreb) describe the choices we have:

“Is there anyone out there?

Somewhere I can belong?

Man, this city just ain’t so kind tonight.

I need a place to take refuge.

See, I have been loving you blind.

I guess it may be hard for me to find

That we were caught up in the middle

Of a worn out dream

I knew we were in trouble

But baby I almost screamed.

When I saw you dancing,

On the moon now,

I watched him spin you round and round.

Why did you roll your dice? Show your cards?

Jilted lovers and broken hearts!

You’re flying away while I am stuck here on the ground!

[…]

You’re out on the wind and I’m still waiting to be found.

Will I ever win? Only time will tell!”

(Jilted Lovers and Broken Hearts)

Living with MND

As many of you know, my mother is dying from MND. Many would use the word ‘suffering’ but I am not sure that that quite encapsulates the process. There is but one end to this. It relentlessly eats away. This is particularly true for the form that my Mother has, Progressive Bulbar Palsy, where time frames are particularly short and each day some slight bodily function seems to be lost never to be regained. In the coming days she is being operated on to have a feeding tube installed; another step on the path. 

There is growing awareness of MND; there’s the MND Association’s campaign using ‘Patrick The Incurable Optimist’ (a good awareness raising technique though I worry about him being subject to media manipulation but thus far it has been excellently managed), the blogs of the likes of Prof D. Mark Cato (an excellent chronicler of how this disease eats away at the body and life from an upper middle class perspective) and blog entries by those who are not directly affected by the disease but moved by it (e.g. ‘Thoroughly Good’). This makes it a little easier and less necessary to explain the ins and outs of the disease, as these people do it far better than I ever could.

In simple terms, the disease stops the functioning of the nerves which tell the muscles what to do. In my mother’s case this is happening in the mouth, throat and respiratory system areas. Eating, drinking and even breathing are becoming hard work. Gradually now she is losing mobility in her limbs – the left foot has a permanent limp and the left hand is less responsive. We suspect the right is going the same way though this is less obvious. She is gradually losing weight and find even the simplest things are tiring and take far longer than they ever used to.

It was hard on holiday witnessing the affects knowing the woman as she was but also inspiring watching my mother fight it day by day:

• The woman who helped me learn how to swim now needs help swimming but is determined to join us in the pool.
• The woman who washed me in the bath as a child, resists us supporting her in the bath, even though occasionally it makes life easier. 
• The woman who used to cook all the family’s meal, only allows Bro and I to help occasionally; we, as her children, are still seen as the ones who need caring for. 
• The woman who would have walked the walls of Carcassonne without thinking now has to do with a tour on a French 'town train' but wants to see the world around her. 
• The woman who seemed to drink a coffee every 20 minutes now takes 20 minutes to manage even half a cup but wants to spend the time chatting with her friends with her drink.  
• The woman who has proof-read nearly every single one of my essays and dissertations, still helps me out with a word for an essay and to shape my thinking on issues. 

You see, though the body works slower, the brain has no problem.  The kindness of the people that we tell and their understanding is astonishing.  Yes, you find the odd company (Barclaycard, Our Burglar Alarm Firm etc.) who badly manage things (and at times ignoring any anti-discrimination legislation) but on the whole one has been impressed with the NHS, with the kindness of colleagues and the thoughtfulness of strangers.  So in another way, we are not 'suffering' this disease but learning to live with it.

Changing News, Changing Reseach

Andrew Marr has just written a very good piece about the changing nature of news and journalism.  His main thrust is that the changing technology and number of authors/voices out there has meant that during any crisis he is personally merging professional news sources with comment.  For me, this was best seen during the election and budget a couple of weeks ago when I was watching the BBC for the official footage and some instant comment but supplementing this with twitter and blogs to provide comment.  Now, we're all aware that this is partisan comment but as readers' we are able to differentiate between a variety of news sources and voices.  Marr's argument goes onto say that rather than being focused on a variety of spikes (news bulletins, newspaper editions), news now permeates.  This requires a new way of reading news and a new of interacting with information which academia could learn from.   

I remember when doing the MA in Broadcast Journalism, they justified the level of the degree by saying that good academia is like good news: based on thorough, honest, thoughtful research which is well targeted and challenging for its audience.  As part of this I wrote a list in 2005 called My Rucksack and Beliefs saying what I thought I needed to my job.  Five years on and my career has changed from researching news to researching as an academic.   The list in 2005 was as follows:

1. My Notebook
2. My Contacts Book
3. Pens and Pencils
4. A Diary
5. An Umbrella, hat and gloves
6. A lunch box
7. Mini-Disks
8. Pen Knife, Tissues and Condoms
9. CD/Radio Player
10. A Book
11. Spare Batteries
12. Me?

As an academic researcher, I still need numbers 1 to 4 to keep records and make sure interviews with participants take place.  Increasingly electronic varieties are common but pen and paper does not run out of power! Numbers 5 and 6 are still important as keeping warm and fed is just as important for the academic in a drafty library as the door-stepping journalist.  Mini-disks are now outdated but I still use a little digital recorder to record interviews.  Number 8 lists tools for maintaining recording equipment (the condom was to stop wind on the mic) and I still carry most of the stuff but for different reasons: packed lunches, a cold nose and ... um ...  The CD/Radio has been replaced by a digital radio but along with the books and batteries provide the latest info for my research as well as entertainment.  So the list needed to be a good researcher has not changed that much though perhaps a little more high-tech: a lap top along with a mobile would probably feature. 

Yet, I have a feeling I am unusual in my research; the fact I keep this blog and twitter is often derided by the academic community.  For me, it is a way of sharing and testing my theories, for exchanging ideas and forming a larger debate.  The changing technology has opened news to a new audience and yet many (though not all)  in academia remain aloof and not engaging with the technology or the potential audience.  Personally, I think academia - like news - should become a rolling dialogue with official voices (academics at universities) and commentators (those from the wider community). 

What is universal to both the 2005 and 2010 lists and in common with Andrew Marr's article is the importance of the individual.  The ability to tell a story, to identify key issues and ask the questions is necessary to both trades, yesterday, today and tomorrow.  This will not be lost in a changed academia - indeed the value of the individual could be enhanced and, as Marr concludes, thus making it an exciting world to be involved in.

Travelling Across Europe

This weekend was the ‘Eurovision Song Contest’ which came live from Oslo. As always, there was the mix of the diverse (Butterfly Costumes from Belarus), the out of tune (the UK), the moving (Ukraine) and the purely charming (the boy from Belgium). It showed the diversity and richness of this continent that I live on.

In previous years I have watched this friend with the ubiquitous drinking game: obvious key changes, costume change, bad taste generally etc would ensure a slug of the alcoholic poison of preference. During the voting, the new game was to reward obvious points exchanges (Germany/Turkey, Greece/Cyprus) with a drink. Now one of the variations we came up with the voting (as there just didn’t seem to be enough opportunities to drink by this stage!) was the first to call out the name of the capital of the next voting country did not have to take a drink. Now I was surprisingly good at this, not only able to identify the obvious options of Germany, Norway and France but also the less well know capitals of Georgia, Belarus and Albania (Tbilisi, Minsk and Tirana, as you were asking).

Now before this comes across as a list of the occasions I have become drunk or adhering to any other British student stereotype, let’s see if I can make this a little more worthy (and relevant to my research). Now a (sober variation of) the capital guessing game it made me think of the countries of Europe I have visited (or not). I’ve visited 14 (and 12 of their capitals) but when you list the full EU membership (27), the countries applying (9), EFTA (7 including microstates) and various neighbouring countries (10), there are quite a few left to visit. Now, I am meant to be interested in Europe in my research and, yet, I have only seen various sections of Europe. Now, having lived in France, been behind the former Iron Curtain (Czech Republic), visited a Baltic State (Estonia) and worked in Scandinavia (Sweden), I think my experience is broader than many people’s but wouldn’t it be interesting to see a few more?

So capitalising on my restlessness and desire to travel at the moment, coupled with a generous leave allowance, perhaps it is time to use Ryanair and see this continent: Ljubljana or Skopje anyone?

Trying to Write the Conference Paper

Trying to write this conference paper and to be honest do not really have the motivation or confidence to make sure that it is of sufficient a quality.  It is sunny outside and it feels wrong to be working.  Ho hum.  But I suppose that is the reason I cam home so I had better type on.  I have revuised the structure somewhat and reduced the content so I may be able to get through it in the 20 minutes I have ...

I do start to realise why academics say they spend so much time writing, taking every Friday off but then in reality do not produce many outputs.  It is quite a grind ...

Changing (And Explaining) The Methodology

Just been to an interesting lecture this evening.  It wasn't on the subject I was expecting (Researching Higher Education) but was actually a little more useful as it looked at Research Methodology. 

Prof Penny Jane Burke explained how her methodology had changed and reminded me that methodology should fit the project and not the other way around.  The methodology needs to reflect my changing methods and positions, not simply be a litterature review.  So when I consider the removal of one of my research questions, I need to think why I wanted to do that not simply because the methods were not answering but about what sort of questions I want answered. 

As a final thought, she seemed to infer I was a Positivist.  Not sure if I am (or quite what that is) but I am a 'glass half full' sort of chap (particularly if it is filled with G&T) so does being positive count?! 

Not The Only One

Just seen a friend for coffee who is at the opposite end of the doctoral spectrum to me and about to submit her thesis.  Interestingly, we still share an awful lot of the same concerns. She told me that when she is asked how things are going, she finds that her answer is no more advanced or technical than when she started.   Secondly, she expressed something I have often felt that it is very hard to explain to those outside of the PhD circle (and even to those who have completed it) what it feels like to go through this deeply personal and academic period of growth.  So, some relief that I'm not going mad.  Or at least, not the only one going mad.

Finding Hope and Meaning - and Pleasure in this Simple Read

It was a relief (and a pleasure) to read Trystan Owain Hughes’ new book “Finding Hope and Meaning in Suffering”. I once sat through a dreadful sermon where a vicar tried to explain suffering - despite an omnipotent God - being down to 'bad luck.' The sermon was neither theologically nor personally satisfying (particularly as my Mother had been diagnosed with a rapid version of Motor Neurone Disease). This book dispelled that sermon, instead providing a simple, straight-forward way of understanding and coping with the less pleasant things life throws at us. Though classified in 'Christianity & Spirituality' by Amazon, I believe its intellectual basis and appeal is far wider than those fields.


The core narrative reminds me of an arguement made by the Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, in an interview with John Humphries, that suffering makes sense not in human time but in God's time. In other words, during tough times, God does not abandon his people and his wisdom WILL become clear, just maybe not when we would like it to. This book takes this argument and moves it on by providing ways of coping during suffering and, consequently, shows how God may be identified in the world around us. Taking themes such as nature, art and laughter, Hughes provides us with guidance which is not only biblically based but also draws on popular films and cultural references to explain how the suffering we see might make sense.

I met Trystan at a meeting of the Governing Body of the Church in Wales and his writing in this reflects his personality: good-humoured. easy-to-talk-to and down-to-earth. During a time when my family has been touched by an unrelenting and unkind disease, his book has personally shown me by its inception and through its advice, 'that God meets us in our afflications, bringing hope and meaning at the most unlikely times.'

(Also published on the Amazon website) 

Sunny Weather

On train to work with no coat in sunshine for first time this year. Worried that this guarantees rain. That said, if it continues, then I'll feel duty-bound to paint and deck the balcony between a concert on Saturday and seeing the live broadcasting of 'Broadcasting House' on Sunday. So less PhD done. But then I gave myself a heart attack when I saw how soon the tutorial and conference paper are due. Decisions, decisions. Sometimes, I wish this PhD was over and I could relax. 3 years. 'Only' 3 years.

Where are you from?

At church we were asked by a visiting speaker whether we felt ourselves to be in Croydon (as in a distinct town/borough) or in London (of which Croydon is a part).  I feel myself to be part of London - as did two thirds of the congregation - for the simple fact that my work and social life are mostly centrally-focussed and Croydon is where I live and shop.  The remaining third found themselves to be in Croydon and these, mostly older people, probably see their lives as focussing on the town. 

This reminded me of a questionnaire I filled in about my perception of nationality and identity after my Erasmus year.  We were asked if we felt more or less British/European/Global Citizens at the start and end of our programme overseas.  In my case, I felt more European and still do.  In the same way, I am asking in my research how students' perceptions of their identity and nationality change.  There will be an increased sense of 'global citizen' I can tell you now. 

But should we be looking for a single answer?  Just because we are from one place (Britain) does not mean we can't have ties to another (Europe). Just because I see myself as being based in London doesn't mean I don't say home is in Croydon?  Identity - like so many things - isn't a clear black/white issue. 

Shirley Valentine Moment

Well, after seeing the play last week, I almost had my own Shirley Valentine moment. 

On the motorway heading north from Strasbourg, in the first sunshine in a week that had been exceptionally wet, I suddenly remembered why I loved France. 

Yes, it has its faults (bureaucracy, mixed record on investment in universities) and its 'more relaxed lifestyle' is over-hyped.  But the buildings on the edge of the motorway reminded me of where I was in Grenoble.  The sense of living in a world, a culture that is not quite your own.  I've done it, I've lived abroad so I know the reality is different.  At drinks the previous night, someone said I had enough French to work in France.  Possibly but it isn't accurate enough.  Whatever the practicalities, for that moment, I wanted to be there, to live there and not just for a holiday.  Time to start thinking about the next job move?